"I'm gonna raise hell at the union hall..."

Yea, so the other night, Robert Maddock and I won a Backstage Bistro Award for a tune we wrote for the Lorinda Lisitiza show . What is a Backstage Bistro Award you ask? Exactly, I respond.

At any rate, the night was a success for three reasons:

1) I opted not to sit at my fancy assigned table, and instead hung in the back with my army of performers. As a result, I was shushed several times for speaking too loudly during the show. I have discovered that this actually happens to me quite frequently. People should stop inviting me places. Or they should just pay for my band to sit a fucking table like humans.

2) I was able to remove some of the class from the oh-so-classy ceremony by taking a plate of chicken fingers with me on stage. Three people tried to remove the chicken fingers from my hands on my way up to the piano, but I refused to part with my poultry.

3) I totally got all up in Betty Buckley's grill. Check it, kindly.



For the record, I found her not-at-all difficult to work with. And by “work with” I mean, “take this picture with.” And by “not at all difficult,” I mean, “very difficult.” Just kidding. She was too coked up to be anything but aggressively pleasant.

So, yeah. The best part of the night, though, happened just before I split. One of the dudes who runs Backstage (his name is escaping me) called me over. He puts his hand on my shoulder, looks into my eyes, and says:

BACKSTAGE GUY: Joe- congratulations. Remember, just keep on trying, Joe. No matter what people say about you- just ignore them and keep trying.

The fuck?! Are people taking about me? Is it just a widely known fact that Joe Iconis is on the lips of every smack-talker in town? All I know is- that man freaked me out hugely. Afterwards, I had to eat an inhuman amount of BBQ to get the taste of a creepy comment out of my mouth.

I am really upset tonight. My favorite toothpaste in the world appears to have been discontinued. Arm and Hammer Baking Soda and Peroxide Toothpaste. Can’t find it anywhere. They have Flavored Baking Soda and Peroxide Toothpaste, but not the straight-up good stuff. If anyone comes across any, kindly alert me to it’s whereabouts.

Speaking of BBQ- here’s a picture of me with the aformentioned Maddock and Lisitza.

Lorinda had some breathtaking cleavage action going on which I feel is accurately depicted in this photo. I think this picture is hilarious. It looks like the most busted Prom Photo of all time.

I was only kidding before about Betty Buckley being coked up. Obviously, she wasn’t. She seemed really nice. Wait- didn’t she have a notorious “substance abuse” problem years ago? Shit. Have I hit too close to home? Is Betty Buckley reading this right now?

BETTY BUCKLEY: Yes I am, Joe. I’m very disappointed in you. You seemed like such a nice boy when we met the other day. Now I think you’re nothing but a Shit-Mouth.
JOE: No! I actually really love you.
BETTY BUCKLEY: You’ve got a funny way of showing it, Shit-Mouth.
JOE: If you call me Shit-Mouth one more time, I’m sorta gonna slap you.
BETTY BUCKLEY: You fuckin pussy- go ahead. Hit an old lady, Shit-Mouth. Let’s see how many people will like you then.

[JOE strikes BETTY BUCKLEY. BUCKLEY pulls a knife from her garter belt. She waves the blade in JOE’s face.]

BETTY BUCKLEY: Wanna dance, Queer?
JOE: Bring it, Betty Fuckley!

[BETTY buries the knife deep into JOE’s chest. JOE crumbles onto the floor. With his last bit of strength, he touches BUCKLEY lightly on her face, and she falls down, dead. Sue cradles JOE in her arms as the curtain falls.]

I just ate, like, at least ten spicy pickles. I truly believe that pickles are one of the greatest foods ever invented. I feel very strongly about this.

-joe